Merry Christmas, P!

This is about as close to as iPad as we are getting!

Core Values, Pt 2: P & McG's Wistful Thinking Values

1. We value no buzzwordy, nonactionable emails after 4pm
2. We value taking care of business first, then playing cool-guy-breaking-all-the-rules tech CEO later.
3. We value iPads, and bonuses.
4. We value another explanation as to how a smartphone works.
5. We definitely value cookies.
6. We value agendas, and preparation, even though that doesn't fit with CGBATR CEO lifestyle.
7. We value people that can manage an email inbox.
8. We value people that understand the phrase "don't shit where you eat"
9. Did I mention cookies? That's a very important value.
10. Hey, what about customer service? That should be a value, right? Maybe? Ehhh, fuck it.

Core Values, Part 1

1. the meat hangs off the side of the buns and people like that.

2. it's ok to have a lunch czar.

3. yes. no. yes. don't. 

4. girls are people too. (not really, but legally we have to say that.)

5. look around...you just might be the lunch czar.

6. no gossip allowed.

7. i trust you and the work you're doing.

8. what exactly is it that you do again?

9. don't look now, here comes the sandwich board-wearing lunch czar.

10. let's be rational. 

What do you need most?

• highly-integrated multi-platform data extraction modulars
• add actionable outsource input centers of excellence
• disambiguate functionality deliverables

• dirty martini dispenser

• leverage gain by incentivizing ramp up on the value prop

Your Membership Badge Just Arrived!

P's first Very Special Weekend Post

Courtesy of Mr. The Position, here's a video of JCH and his billionaire man crush.

How I love myself!

Hi, this is The Position...experienced nerd, incredible person and enjoyer of all things me. I'm also the co-creator of this amazing blog!

It all started when I was 5 and a half. Everyone in my family was older and busy, and I was like, "You know what, self? I'm fucking awesome!!!!"

From there I was inspired to change the world in all sorts of ways, from writing about myself, to drawing about myself, to starring in several one-man shows dedicated to The Life & Times of Myself. The most recent attempt won a Screenie!

The Position, age unkown

It was only natural for me to find all sorts of outlets to talk about myself, so about four years ago I signed up for every social network and blogging company there is. I'm working on a book and soon you can see The Life & Times of Myself on vimeo, youtube and at Cannes.

I promise to write more about myself as often as I can. Check back!

McG & P Win!

McG and P accept the award for the Most Time Ever Spent On A 2 Minute Screencast That Will Never Be Watched.

McG says "I'd like to thank Camtasia, and my poor overworked MacBook, and P for her vision and guidance. I'd like to NOT thank Joni, cause I am sick of hearing her stupid voice. Aren't my feathers badass?"

The Queen

likes slow pans and wine-sniffin'.

EXHIBIT A.

A very special weekend post

while I yell at my new printer. It's stupid! And has lots of parts! When in Apple is gonna make printers?



BEST NEW SONG EVER

A rare video of The Position in a beauty contest.

I'm smart!

Give it up, P.

We all know you can't write much more than a sentence. And those complicated spreadsheet? FORGET IT.

Just draw your pretty pictures, ok?

You, Me, Robot & the Longtail.

guess which one's the longtail.

Here we goooOooOoooo!

ca-ching!

"Still waiting on that menu, P!"

Srsly, I can't wait.

McG's kitchen is so...

RSS-y.

Sure, we've had some issues...

but could this be one of our customers?

I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue

I can't take it without you here, P!!!

McG can never leave for 3 days in a row again.

Auntie D chatted my eyeballs off.

MacGruber – Director of Blowing Shit Up and Failed Clipart Renamer

* Role: Doing small, minute tasks for unknown reasons. Also in charge of getting the NY Times to write about us. So far it's been like this:



* Hobbies: Promote synergy (like a boss)!!



Eat a bagel (but I don't share it with the garbage)

* What will you find on your night stand: I don't have a nightstand! A pile of books on the floor. Unread: classics and books to help me be a better person. Read: Trashy fiction, Real Simple, and Jcrew catalog.

* Fun Fact: I put in a shift of drinking (8hrs!) when drunk texting P. And I called her a terrible person, after I drunktexted her 17 times. I'm awesome!

* Strength: Being able to squash annoyance in a single motion, able to put up with mass amounts of BS.

* Weakness: Baked goods, coffee, bloody marys, Auntie D Designs

The Position – Fireworks Coordinator and Guru Extraordinaire

• Role: Looking for new ways to make a buck, no matter WHERE it may be. (psst...git yer fireworks here!)
• Hobbies: Eating, grabbing low-hanging fruit, optimizing shit, blowing up your phone with scalable turnkey solutions
• What will you find on your night stand: 5 magazines and 3 unfinished books. And some dust.
• Fun Fact: I love to receive and send drunk texts with McG.
• Strength: Pounding 7 beers and still having the wherewithal to get people to buy the shoes once they're in the store.
• Weakness: Dr. Steve Brule

A new business direction

fiiirrreewoorkkssssss!

git yer fireworks here!!!!!

BOOM! BANG! POW!

Vega$ Success, by the numbers

Number of hands of Let it Ride vs. number won: 20/0
Number of sports bets made vs. number won: 2/0
Number of martinis consumed Saturday night: 4
Number of hangovers suffered: 0 (I rule!)
Number of eggs & potatoes meals consumed cause there are no veg options in Vega$: 3
Number of strangers danced with in a bank of slot machines: 1
Amount won playing roulette: $200ish (what!?!?!)
Percentage chance that I will go back to Vega$ next year: 1000%

they really are dummies!

i believe it's called a salad.

istock is a dummy

not a pumpkin.

For your health

Slot machines, tuna and cat scraps galore

illegible texts while drunk on the floor

a creepy croworker who asks to join the fun

will bring your big Vrega$ winnings down to 'bout none.

—a poem... by Dr. Steve Brule

twice the fun for McG

vega$, baby!

i love your new short haircut!!!!

A Very Special Weekend Post #2

I want half the clothes in this ad. Also, ALL THE GLASSES ARE THE SAME.

I have a new email address... Wait, what?!

A Very Special Weekend Post: I Don't Understand???

1. Why are Burt Reynolds and Judd Nelson hanging out?
2. "You WOULD like a batting cage..." what does THAT mean???
3. "Chug-a-lug"?
4. MULLETS. I call Drug Dealer, you can have loser suburban coke kid.
5. I like how dad's slurping on a scotch when the kid says he has a problem.
6. Why does the computer say "NO MORE DRUGS"? Does that actually convince anybody?
7. I thought they were really going to go for a drink afterwards for a moment, which is awesome.

(PS. Judd Nelson looks like Roy from the nose up, which always weirds me out!!!)

McG – This got sent to me by mistake.

I've had a rough day.

Gimme a crayfish!

And keep 'em coming.

Oh, and can I also get a beer when you get a chance?

An idea for your next anniversary, MacGruber:

Get in an infinity pool and let your hands do the talking. Or are they walking?

Don't forget your Lee® Press-Ons.

P, Have you ever sent a fax from the beach?

Your Reed Rothchild video made me think of this!!! (Also: isn't it cool how much of this has come true???)

Monday Coolness

I wasn't scared.

I was just singing my scream song.

Hey P! Wanna hang out after school?

I hear there are some funky guys dancing outside the school. Bring your tennis racket.

I can't wait until P is done with this stupid project

Things I can't do without P

1. Find a picture of a telephone
2. Sing the Dukes of Hazzard theme
3. Understand what a "TL" is
4. Concentrate!

Uh-oh.

Words not to use at work.

Dishin' it out

is work serving you this, McG?

I shared a bagel...

with the garbage.

Cool as....a watermelon.

An oldie, but a goodie.

Watermelon Nights from Dan Meth on Vimeo.

MacGruber models Derelique at the bank today.

If only I had a coat made out of stuffed teddy bear fur.




\

it's lonely here.

my IM is lonely.

Cheer Up, P! We are Businesswomen

I'm sure I have the exact same look on my face when anyone asks me what business I am in.

The Position feels like...

this today.

11.19.2007

An excerpt from The Position's Year of Drawing Everyday

Can you guess who it is?

Do seconds 20-30 seem familiar?

No mas.

A Love Poem to the Position

I never knew there would be a better tomorrow at JCH
But you've come into my life, P, and taken away all my sorrow (and made me LOL)

My days of frustration are a thing of the past (not really)
Because I have found true P at last (right here - look at you with your business attitude!)

My days of wtf-am-I-doing are gone for good
Because you fill a void in my stomach that you should (with cookies & coffee)

You've opened a window (thank god, cause it sometimes smells like diapers at JCH)
You've shown me the light (and that I am not crazy)
And my McG for you will continue to burn bright.

McG + P 4eva!

Add to Summit:

• GeoCities templates

• American OnLine guide articles

• Cassingles of latest Bobby McFerrin song

A REAL sticker for McGruber

A sticker for McGruber

The Hazards of working at home, Part 3

What MacGruber wore to Ray's Grocery Store today:

A. pair of jeans with the crotch completely blown out. Underwear was in full view.
B. Misfits tshirt
C. Bouncy, cheerleadery ponytail (very in congruent with the tshirt, you see)
D. Skanky last season Target flipflops that need to be replaced asap.
5. Eyeshadow on one eye, but not the other.

I'm pretty.

Hard Data

The hazards of working at home, part 2

list of inanimate objects i've talked to today:

coffee maker

perfume bottle

makeup brushes

npr

also, "multitasking" involved eating carrot sticks in the shower.

MacGruber and the Position roadtrip?

Expect this and this.

And OF COURSE this! Get your toupee ready, P!

My favorite coworker...

1. smells great

2. politely alerts me when he begins and ends work

3. doesn't bug me with anything else

4. always brings me coffee

5. never asks for anything in return

6. provides inspiration

7. is french

8. does not clean up after himself (his one flaw)

9. is a good listener

10. likes sugar

McG and P's first professional photo shoot.

Check out this candid Monday morning moment, caught on film, to help enhance an important news story. We're officially part-time models.

The rain rain rain came down down down...

The Position had mexican food for lunch today.

Ooooh, McG, you look sexy at lunch.

I look like this while I eat my burrito.

McG had PB & J for lunch today

Just like this. What did you have, Position?

The reason for McG's silence

Also: Gahhhhhhh!

MISSING:

One quick, witty, low-end tech-savvy MacGruber.

LAST SEEN making a gun out of a paper clip, rubber band + pen cap.

IF FOUND, please revive with 3 dirty martinis and return to The Position.

REWARD: Ask McG to say "party's here!"

that's reward enough.

KAPOW!!!!!!

Watch out, world. We're gonna kick some SEO butt with our Mojo Jojo.

Let's GO!!! Mojo!!!

wwhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

our new SEO mascot! [mojo jojo]

Only nerds

lunch at the library.

hope you didn't forget your mug.

McG's ready!

I like phone conferences with my boss on Fridays.

It's going to be 70 on the coast ??!?!?!?

McG's employees contemplate an escape...

60º in February?!

The Position is working outdoors today.

Benny demonstrates..

Benny demonstrates McG's "position" on Saturday after arriving home from the summit:

My Poor Lunch Choice...

...led to sickness.

and hoochie mama shoes. [the position, post-lunch]

Summit Success.

Presented without Comment

Party's Here sound bite Nicole 'Snooki' Polizzi sound bites

I wanna look my best for the summit.

The Position preparing for arrival of guests!

The Summit will have a special guest star

Replace the flowers with a beer, and it's just like her!

2-min Artist's Sketch

:: MacGruber :: Feb 11, 2010 ::

[NOTE maple bacon doughnut, claire's headband and hoop earrings (first seen here)]

MacGruber: How would you solve the following problem?

Optimize the online earning power of a 500-page book on ways to serve potatoes using only a rubber band, a paperclip, a pen cap and a 1987 Honda C100 motorcycle battery.

What is McG's super-secret appointment today?

A
B
or
C

Winner gets a new sled - Runner up gets a box of candy canes.

February 2010

Those dirty, dirty Clauses.

How Does McG Feel Today?

MULTIPLE CHOICE, HOLMES:

A
B or
C?

The perks of working from home, part 1

1. deep conditioning hair

2. always choosing the music /// willie to jay-z to vampire weekend

3. singing at top of lungs

4. forgetting to brush teeth until 5 pm = oh well

Bingo Time!

First person to get bingo gets round of her choice at the Summit!

Post-summit

hence the need for sweats.

McG's Requirements for Working From Home

1. Coffee, a plan to go get coffee, or an IM status bemoaning lack of coffee.
2. A skanky headband bought on clearance from Claire's (even though well into 30s). The better to hold unwashed hair off face.
3. The Chamillionaire station on Pandora.
4. Candy hid around the office. Don't want husband finding it and making fun for eating Nerds.
5. Bubble wrap and catnip to distract officemates.

Not needed
1. Printer
2. Functional desk (as opposed to decorative desk from Target)
3. Paper that hasn't been used once already (environmentally friendly!)

True or False?

One team member has sent the other team member a drunk text that read: "drunk text! whoo!"

Always Be Cobblin'

This is what I felt like when I worked on SH:



Third prize is you're fired!

January 2010

the month's almost over, but i'm sure you'll still find good use for this.

more to come—keep a look out for the rest of the year!

There will be an epic McG/P Summit in Feb

Expect lots of this, this and especially this.

MacGruber

This is MacGruber on picture day.

The Position

This is a picture of The Position hard at work.

The hazards of working at home, part 1

I wore this outfit in public today:

Knee height forest green rubber boots
Cropped black pants with an inch of skin showing between the pants and the boots
Purple rain coat straight out of 1989 with velcro
Glasses with smeared lens
A headband that unfortunately matched the 1989 raincoat
and
Large hoop silver earrings

extended license for only $960?!

that's fancy. where do i sign up?!

forces joined

☠ january 11, 2010 ☠